Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
