Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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