Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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