Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
