I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
