how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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