We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I think my vagina is haunted
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
