so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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