Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
