where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
