I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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