I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
