Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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