moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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