I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Drunk is a universal language darling
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