I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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