and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
