We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
