life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
