Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize