When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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