I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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