My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
