I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
COCAINE IS GR8
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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