i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
