I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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