went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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