u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
