my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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