I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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