shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
