lets start a swedish sibling band together
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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