I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
