That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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