I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
