Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So much Jack, so little girl.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
