it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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