i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
