To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just blew my weed a kiss
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
