Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
