so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
