...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
