in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
