Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
