I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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