i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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