You made me cry and you don't even care
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
