Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
