I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize