i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
