Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
