sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
