Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
