You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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