Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
