I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
