If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
