I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
