I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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