i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize