I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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