I love black thongs
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
