I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
